i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
