if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
