You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
i just google imaged poop.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
you're hired as official boob wrangler
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
