The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
