Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize