no, he came in my armpit
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
