Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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