How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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