Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
