Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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