I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
