my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
