My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
