Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Randomize
