Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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