I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Randomize
