can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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