i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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