I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
