she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
