Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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