just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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