Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
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