I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
