woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
