You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
