He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
