Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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