my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
His hands were made for my vagina.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
