If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
