i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Randomize
