dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
