6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
