I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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