Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
