We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
