I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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