i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize
