I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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