Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
