Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize