Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
