I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
