I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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