Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
His hands were made for my vagina.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
