I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
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