so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Randomize
