I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
