My sheets look like a crime scene.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
