Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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