sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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