Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Did we literally take a cab across the street
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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