hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
We left an ass print on the piano.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
