margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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