This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Randomize
