Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
