do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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